BDSM Lifestyle

Okay, I’m back to (hopefully) regular posting again. I took a break from writing and now my head seems to explode with thoughts and ideas and questions and I need to get them out.

I am 21 years old and into BDSM. That is not a good combination and you know why? Because while I have a pretty good idea of what I want and what I like, my peers are barely beginning to discover themselves. College is a time of sexual explorations and guys my age are just beginning to understand what good sex is. Hell, some are just beginning to understand what sex is. I, on the other hand, know what I want, but it seems impossible to get it.

I want to be a slave, I want to have a D/s relationship. I want someone who can understand this side of human sexuality and who has experience with it. I am sick of introducing guys to it. I want to be the one who’s being given the introduction, I want to be the initiated one. I am sick of asking someone about their fetishes and them telling me it’s “blowjobs”.

I am aware people are uninformed but I’m sick of feeling so alone. I am really serious about rough sex. When I say rough, I don’t mean being spanked during doggie style and having my hair pulled. That is just the tip of the tip of the iceberg. I want everything that comes with the term BDSM.

And this search seems so pointless. If I haven’t even had a normal, vanilla relationship in my entire life, how am I ever going to have a non-vanilla one? How long will it take?

Anyway, I might sound bitter or disappointed, I am not. Maybe impatient would be a better word, I just can’t wait to turn the corner and see if what I want isn’t waiting for me there. I am looking forward to the moment it all falls together.

Scary parts of my sexuality

I haven’t updated in a while, but I’ll just skip to the latest relevant events in my sex life, one of which being that I am now sleeping with a vanilla guy. Or to be more exact, with a vanilla guy who is just not willing to be a bit rough for me. See, all of the guys I’ve shared my kinks with have been not only accepting, but also excited to give in to them and give me what I want. Well this guy just does not want to hurt me. Yes, he understands that that is what I want and what gets me off, but just can’t bring himself to do it.

I was very understanding and decided that I could go vanilla for a bit, especially seeing that the sex is still very passionate and satisfying, however, I miss it. I miss it a lot. I miss having my hair pulled, being bitten, slapped, thrown around, tied, being out of control. Which leads me to the scary part.

My fantasies are getting more and more aggressive. I am starting to think that I might have a rape fetish, since whenever I masturbate, I think of someone being raped, either violently or more subtly, like a teacher taking advantage of his power position to “teach” his student about sex. Or having sex and closing my eyes and imagining that I don’t know the person on top of me and that I can’t move or do anything, that I’m powerless.

See, that’s what this is all about, it’s about being powerless. I am absolutely, without any hesitation against rape. I despise rapists and the people who defend them. Rape play is something that belongs strictly in the bedroom and between consenting people, I just wish there was a better name for it, one that doesn’t have other terrible implications.

But anyway, yeah, I can’t seem to be able to cum without thinking about women being forced to have sex with men. I’m not ashamed, just worried. I really don’t want my sex life to be reduced to consensual non-consent sex, but missionary and soft kisses just make my lady-boner go away almost instantly.

The vibrating issue

I got a vibrator for my birthday.

I’ve always wanted to buy one myself so, even if it wasn’t exactly what I would have chosen (but then again 35% of my time spent on the internet involves reading sex blogs and more specifically, sex toys reviewers’ blogs), I was nonetheless very thankful and very excited. I spent the following week trying it every single night. I didn’t even care anymore what my flatmate thought that buzzing noise was, and and why it went on for hours every night. I didn’t care. All I cared about was that I had to cum.

It finally happened tonight, although I have to say, I’m not giving the toy full credit for it. There are more types of vibrators in this world than I could possibly try, but I know that there has to be one for everyone. And yet, I think the problem is not the vibrator itself, but me. I’m sure some of you can relate, too.

See, ever since I started masturbating, I’ve been doing it a certain way. My masturbation method doesn’t even involve rubbing the clitoris. It involves a lot of pressure on it, as well as on one specific point somewhere at the entrance of the vagina. If anyone could let me know what that might be and why it gives me such amazing orgasms, please do, so far I found no explanation. But anyway, that’s how I do it and, as you could imagine, it’s making it quite difficult for me to cum with a partner, because it would be practically impossible for them to do it exactly as I do it. So my solution was to find a new method.

So I chose the “normal” way, which would be the stimulation of the clit. So I grabbed my new toy, which is a “G-spot/Prostate Vibrator” (yes, I googled it) and it’s purple and quite simplistic. I started to warm up with gentle rubbing and touching all over and then put the vibrator directly on my clitoris. And I held it there. A long time. Well I obviously moved it around a bit trying to find that perfect spot (spoiler: I didn’t), but still, I had it there for quite a while, all while trying to summon my hottest fantasies. Soon enough, though, I was getting bored. I was getting so bored I actually considered faking an orgasm. That’s only supposed to happen during terrible sex, not during happy self time.

So I sighed, turned it off, and told myself I’d do it my usual way, just try to incorporate the vibrator somehow. So here’s how it went down (ha, ha): lying down, I crossed my legs, squeezing my thighs together and started moving the toy inside and outside my thighs (this…sounds very not appealing but it felt good, I swear). I made sure it touched both my clit and that tiny, magic spot I like, and I applied pressure there. I came in like five minutes and it was sort of like my normal orgasms, maybe just less strong.

Why am I writing this? Because vibrators do not guarantee orgasms. Because how you masturbate can and will influence the sex you will have with partners. Sure, other parts come into play then – having another body close to you makes a huge difference but in the end, an orgasm is an orgasm and if you only learn to have it one way, it’s a habit hard to unlearn. I have to adapt. I want to learn to stimulate my clitoris. I want to learn to cum easier, because I’m sure it’s possible.

And after having watched a TED Talk given by Amy Cuddy on body language, there I was in the bathroom, back straight, shoulders back, huge smile on my face and maintaining a power posture while cleaning my vibrator.

Oh, one more thing: even though the thing is intended to stimulate the G-spot, there is no way I can use it like that, because it simply won’t fit. And when it does go in (with copious amounts of coconut oil), it hurts and feels anything but pleasant. Yay.

Tonight I am happy and I feel beautiful

Lately I haven’t had much time to browse the interwebs for interesting or intriguing articles, but, as it often happens, I found something excellent when I wasn’t even looking for it. I am talking about a tumblr blog called Bare to bush. It belongs to a brave and beautiful woman, who decided to stop shaving her pubic hair, and closely document her path towards a full and fluffy bush.

This is amazing. I can’t express how good this blog made me feel about myself, about being a woman, having a vagina, and lastly but not least, the internet. Self love is a topic which I am passionate about. It is very important to have a positive body image, and I try my best to love my body, with every strange bit and every hidden corner. It’s not easy, and it is uplifting to read about women like the author of that blog, who, by encountering the same obstacles and overcoming them, encourage me to do the same.

This body is mine and I love it. I am having troubles accepting it sometimes, that’s true, particularly some parts of it. For instance, my tummy, which is stubborn and always gets bigger when I want it to stay flat. Or my skin, with its pink, bumpy dots – goose bumps, some called them. It’s not goose bumps, it’s Keratosis Pilaris, and I google remedies for it at least once a week. And I’m constantly worrying that if I have sex, he or she will notice, and he or she will not like it, or will not like me because of it. Or, since we’re on the subject, my body hair. It’s everywhere, and while I’m not ashamed to admit this anonymously on the internet, I am very self conscious about it in real life. Or my butt, which is not firm at all, it’s squishy and soft and when you smack it, it jiggles.

I worry about those things, and many others, but you know what? I have had sex, and not once has someone mentioned them. Not once had someone made a bad remark about my body. After I slept with D. he asked me “Do you work out?” and I said no, because I love food and I am too lazy to exercise and that is no secret. He said “I’m asking, because your body is just perfect”. Most of the men I have slept with told me that I am beautiful and you know what? I believed them. Not because I am naïve, but because I know it is true. I am beautiful.

Even now, when I unconsciously decided to join the Movember movement. Even now, when I haven’t washed my hair in three days. When I’ve had a huge meal that left me looking like I’m five months pregnant. I look like this because I chose to look like this. I might not feel pretty right now, but I do feel beautiful.

And reading that blog was empowering. It reminded me that I am amazing. Like you. Like all of us. Being human is amazing.

photo: Daniel Bauer

Plus, my boobs got bigger.

Another threesome opportunity

Not much has happened since I last wrote, except that I got both the best and the worst sex of my life, with two different guys, but I was so shocked by both experiences that I just couldn’t document them properly. And then I had a very quiet time, with no sex, but with a lot of masturbating and sexting with random people and being so horny that I wanted to go out and jump every mildly attractive person I saw.

Yesterday, however, something interesting happened. A friend asked me if I want to participate in a threesome with her. This didn’t come as a surprise to me, seeing that many of my friends know that I am pretty sexually open and I am an attractive young woman who loves to fuck. But I still didn’t know what to answer. I mean, I want to, it’s always been one of my fantasies, but I would like to do it with someone I’m attracted to. This girl is hot, there’s no denying that, yet she doesn’t really do anything for me. And the guy, I don’t even know him, I just know that he has a great cock.

So basically this would be hooking up for the sake of hooking up, and I am afraid that it will end up being disappointing because of that. Still, I won’t say no to a new sexual experience, especially since it’s one I’ve wished for for a long time. Am I excited? Yes, a bit. Scared? Not really, I don’t think things will be awkward afterwards, and we all just want to have a bit of fun. There is no couple involved (at least they aren’t one yet), we are just three people who want to have sex without any strings attached, which might be the ideal scenario.

Now I’ll just have to wait and talk to the others and if we decide to do it, I will certainly report back!

I’m questioning my bisexuality

For the first time since I admitted to myself that I like girls, I am having doubts about it. Last night I went to a birthday party and, with all the alcohol involved, sometime around 2 a.m. we decided that the birthday boy deserves a better present. So me and two female friends grabbed him, pushed him into an empty room and made him watch us make out.

Frankly, I was only there for the girls, I’ve only ever kissed one in my life, so I wanted to try more. It was pretty awesome, there was a lot of touching involved, and even though our clothes stayed on, we were at some point licking whipped cream off each other’s cleavages. And I did dry hump one of them, but my jeans were just too tight to make that enjoyable.

Anyway, here is where my problem comes in. I did not get turned on. At all. I enjoyed everything about it, the kissing, the touching but my panties were still dry. And I’m very conflicted now. I’ve dreamed of having sex with women, I’ve wanted to be in a relationship with them (or some of them), I’ve had crushes on them, I watch videos on how to eat pussy and I fantasize about the day I’ll get to do that. But what if that day comes, and I realize it’s not for me? I will be terribly disappointed if that happens. I was talking to D. recently and he told me that some time ago he believed that all humans are bisexual – at least to some extent – and to “prove” that theory (to himself mostly) he decided to experiment and kiss a guy. He couldn’t do it, and so he realized two things: he is straight as an arrow, and bisexuality might actually not exist in all people.  That scares me.

photo: Anastasia Kuba

I want to like girls. It’s sort of like some gay people struggling to be straight, only in my case this is reversed. What if I’m a completely straight girl, who is struggling to be gay? Why? I don’t know, because women are beautiful and I want to be able to enjoy both men and women equally. Because it makes me special? Because it makes me seem open minded? I’ve never had so many unanswered questions about this. I usually just go with the flow, coming out to people when they ask me, letting myself be attracted to people, regardless of the gender, kissing girls when I get the chance and not feeling any guilt or negative feelings in regards to this. But now I just feel that I stuck a label on myself that might not apply to me at all and I’m not sure how that is making me feel.

Anyway, on a more cheerful note, I have noticed that this blog has helped me get more sex. It might sound crazy to some, but not to me. By putting all this effort into reading about this topic and writing about it, and immersing myself into it a few times a week, I am becoming a magnet for it. The more I write about my sexual experiences, the more frequent they are and it’s great! I am learning more about sex and about myself with every new post I write. Frankly, I think everyone should have a sex log even if they’re not fucking anyone at the moment. But our sexuality is undeniably an important part of ourselves and by getting to know our sexuality, we are getting to know ourselves and we’re one or two steps closer to being genuinely happy. That’s what I think, anyway.

I’m in a big mess…

D. is a guy I’ve had a huge crush on about a year ago, which lasted some months, until I convinced myself he wasn’t interested in me and finally let it go. Even so, we continued to talk, and I continued to enjoy his company, and I still think he one of the kindest and most interesting people I have ever met in my life. I liked him immensely and I was proud to call him my friend.
Five days ago we had sex. It was sudden and mind blowing. He’s like a cute puppy, sweet and adorable, the kind of person you can’t even imagine having sex because they just look so innocent. But man, he can fuck. It was nothing I expected and everything I wanted. I don’t know if it was because of the fact that I crushed on him for so long (hence the emotional connection), because he was that good in bed or just because we had awesome chemistry, but I had the sex of my life with him. And now he’s gone.
He left Europe and he’s not coming back until Christmas, just to leave again, for good this time. We were lying in bed, tangled together and he looked into my eyes and whispered “Why didn’t we do this earlier?”. It’s breaking my heart. I never felt so connected so someone before, and now he’s leaving and it just feels like he ripped a part of me and took it with him. He promised we’ll meet when he comes back, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wait for people anymore, it’s exhausting and it’s slowly killing me….
As for the mess I’m in right now…about a month ago a “friend” of mine – a guy I used to like – said that he wanted to visit me and booked a flight ticket almost immediately. I was getting so excited, but then the D. bussiness happened and now I feel like after a break up, I just can’t imagine opening myself to someone else, emotionally or physically, because I know it’s just not the same. I can’t stop thinking about D., and feeling someone else’s touch on me makes me sick.
And I don’t like him, there is no sexual chemistry and it’s putting me in such an uncomfortable position. I’m heartbroken, I can’t do this and I don’t know what to do. He arrived yesterday and he’ll be here for a week and after this week I don’t know how well I’ll be…
We slept together last night and it was just so awkward, the making out, feeling how hard he was, and me wanting to cry because that was not who I wanted to have in bed next to me. I’ll make an effort to make this work, but I just feel so empty. This was not supposed to happen this way. It feels so wrong. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m terribly depressed.